(1) THE ONION WOULD BE PROUD OF THIS ONE: In response to Florida’s fetish for murdering pythons, I am offering a bounty of $1 per culling to anyone who can “kill as many” non-vegan Floridians “as humanly possible” because ever since two-leggeds settled in that area, the human population “problem has gotten worse” and “native animals continue to disappear at an alarming rate” and “enough is enough”! Since Floridians who continue to exploit other animals destroy the environment, hate animals with a passion and dementedly worship at the altar of humanity, this animal-loving, earth-loving, misanthrope is lovingly returning the (identical) favor and “taking appropriate action to push back the infestation of these invaders” and you “should have no sympathies for” anyone who stands upright “and this latest initiative should pave the way for further exotic elimination efforts.” Since human life is worthless and wholly expendable, only $1, which is beyond generous, will be paid for each successful cull. After 68,888 two-legged vermin have been CULLED, this offer will expire. In order to protect myself from being scammed out of a DOLLAR, cullers will need to post a smiling picture of themselves with the deceased human’s body or the culled human’s severed head. If anyone needs guidance on how to pose properly with your prize, just peruse the Internet for images of people who, for pure entertainment, kill deer, fish, mountain lions, elk, moose, ducks, pheasants, etc. Let’s make Florida safe again, and protect the animals and THEIR environment from the two-legged scourge that has plagued their existence.
(2) MY LAST ATTEMPT TO EDIFY THE APOLOGIST/PACIFIST/INTERSECTIONALIST VEGAN COMMUNITY: Do you honestly believe that segregation in America would’ve ended when it did, and blacks would’ve gotten their right to vote, if Malcolm X, Dr. King, Rosa Parks, The Black Panthers and other human rights activists spent the majority of their time excusing racist behavior, and most of their time speaking out on behalf of animals instead of blacks? The unimpugnable answer to that question is “HELL NO!” And don’t misunderstand me. I am not excusing their speciesist behavior. Thank goodness many of The Black Panthers and other black activists were/are vegan because they understand that animals deserved equality, too. Just using THEIR activist-blueprint as an example to learn from. Yet, the animal emancipation movement somehow believes that animals can obtain their freedom if they spend the majority of their time excusing speciesist behavior as they incessantly defend non vegan humans if they’re impoverished, black, Muslim, or any other “oppressed” minority even though they proudly support the rape, baby-stealing, enslavement and murder of animals in the food, clothing, research and entertainment industries. If you ain’t vegan, YOU ARE a willing participant in the world’s largest and longest-running Holocaust, and that can never be excused!
(3) STUDENT IN NORTH CAROLINA ONCE SAID HE WOULD SAVE A DROWNING BABY INSTEAD OF A CHICKEN: After he made this comment, I asked him, “How many babies have you saved from drowning?” He paused embarrassingly. I said, “Would it be fair and accurate to say NONE? Would it also be spot-on to say that you have not saved any drowning chickens either?” He nodded in agreement. I continued, “Stop making yourself out to be a fucking hero when you haven’t saved anybody, ever, no matter what the circumstances were. But I’ll tell ya what, if you ever come across a baby and a chicken drowning at the same time, you have my blessings to save the baby, and to tell any vegan who is mad at you that Gary says it was okay because I don’t judge a person’s character by who they save during a psychotic situation of multiple drownings, or who they decide to save, as long as they attempt to save someone.”
(4) MY DOG TALKS TO ME EVERY DAY: When Doyle wants to go outside at night, after I let him out, I go back in my chair and continue smoking my joint. I start to chill in my imaginary world and drift away into la la land. When he wants to come back inside, he barks. Why? To get my attention, of course. He’s saying, ”Daddy, come let me in.”
Now, feel me on the thought process here. After he’s done doing his business, and scouring the compost area for some scraps the squirrels and skunks left behind, he wants to come back inside. He comes to the door and thinks, “Well, I could just stand here for a while and hope Daddy lets me in soon. Yeah, I guess I’ll try that. La la la la la. Doo doo doo doo doo. Okay, this ain’t working.
Hmmm, I could sit down and put my paw up in that cute way like I’m being all bashful and shit. You know, softly pat my snout like I’m saying ‘aww shucks’. Well, that’d be stupid because he ain’t gonna see me unless he peeks out the window at that perfect moment. And that’s a long shot.
Wait. I know. I’ll bark. He’ll hear me and come get me so he can baby-talk me and slap my tushie and kiss my face. Yeah, that’ll work for sure.”
When dogs bark (and when other animals make their respective sounds), they are speaking. And dog barks have different tones, and different meanings based on the those tones. So when Doyle barks at me from outside, I have to process what he’s saying. I analyze the sound and think, “Hmmm, why is Doyle barking? Is he talking to Hank, the beagle who lives next door? No, he hates Hank and his I-hate-you-Hank-bark is fiercer and meaner. Is he chasing a squirrel? No. That bark, too, is fiercer as if he’s saying ‘I am the king of this territory.’ Oh wait, that’s his bark telling me that it’s time to come in now.”
Check my ANIMAL INTELLIGENCE essay on www.adaptt.org for some cool info on the brilliance, and altruism, that all animals exhibit.